Haven't updated this journal in a while...I guess I shouldn't anymore, but what the hey.

Maybe the world has gone mad and I'm the only sane person left. In which case, being sane isn't all that fun anymore.

I miss the life of a bum. You know, when you work and get paid for work but in the end you still run out of money and you end up being the way you were when you were a bum...sometimes i think, gees, what's the difference?

Why am I always so worked up about financial issues?

It's not fair not being able to enjoy your hard-earned cash. Still, it's better than nothing. I think.

My unloved year is drawing to a close. I wonder if I was really unloved. But I have no illusions of being loved or better loved in my 24th year.

Love is a lie people swallow to cover up their sad, sordid existences.

Bitter, bitter, bitter, hahahahah ^_^

I really don't have a point in this post, I'm just killing time before I actually go home. And when I finally decide to go home, I'll remember that I was supposed to work on something, and I'll end up doing overtime. I swear, I'm not doing a very good job here. Or is it just paranoia again? I never could assess myself objectively. And I don't believe my superiors when they give me feedback or advice.

I wish I could be a hermit. In New Zealand.

My aunt asked me some days ago, "What happened to your plans of going to New Zealand?"

And I mumbled something about saving up for it first.

And I haven't saved anything.

Two years. Two years.

I'm posting gibberish already.

For the lovesick tyke who should learn to let go and move on

Lost
by Skin, off the album Fleshwounds

What was I waiting for
Waiting for the bubble to burst
Over your stagnant pauses

Can’t cure what your devil don’t see
Or light a fire below the death of me
We’ve shot through all over our causes

Days spin through my heart
That sever the love
Kill all the pain with shame

I won’t be lost without you
I’ve found a way to get through
Now I’m up and running
Strong enough to walk away
And leave you all alone
I won’t be lost

What were you waiting for
Waiting for the straw to break
Over the back of desperate ways

You were a dream to me
Now you’re nothing but a heart
that bleeds
I’ll wash you off and carry on

And when I see you
I find another reason
To keep myself from getting lost in you

Days spin through my heart
that severed the pain
Killed all the love with shame

I won't be lost without you
I won't be lost without you
I won't be lost without you

RIP Kitty
One of Fry's kitties died. She often had epileptic seizures and had breathing problems. She just refused to suckle from Fry, and eventually died quietly on my bedroom floor. I found her with her siblings, who were unusually subdued.
*sigh*
She didn't even have a name, though I was thinking of calling her Figwit.
Ah, well. I'll just see you in Kitty Valinor.

Kittens for Christmas

Yey! Fry gave birth to five kitties last Dec. 17. One of 'em looks just like her :) Any takers?

Hehe, just a couple of days old and I'm thinking of packing them off for adoption :)

I'll be having a very feline holiday!

He Wishes For the Cloth of Heaven
William Butler Yeats

Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half-light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly, because you tread on my dreams.

Of being pissed, being a consumerist, and watching yummy villains

Some days ago I sent out an e-mail to several friends about how upset I was with regards to a matter of some significance to me. But then again, I was pretty upset, and pissed, so it must have had a lot of significance. But being pissed and upset and angry takes too much energy, and sending out the "mass e-mail" was just a way of letting it all out in one huff. I'm writing this for clarification, lest it be misconstrued as spreading ill-will or bad blood or malice, or mustering the forces of the superbitches.

To the people I e-mailed--well, sorry to dump it all on you guys, and without warning. But I was just really...pissed. After finding out, I was sitting in my class, looking at the blank pages in my notebook, and then there was this sudden *boom* in my head--the realization that, yes, I am pissed and hopping mad. It was quite hard to nod and smile in class, when all I wanted to say, when introducing myself to my other classmates, was "Hi, I'm Ely and I'm pissed." So when I got home I went straight to the PC and wrote it all out.

Thanks for the support, by the way, and your gratifying response of outrage. It is much appreciated ^_^

* * *

There is something to be said about being upset, having money, and wandering into a bookstore. The outcome, as you can imagine, is dire: I now have to scrimp for the whole month because I blew all my money on books. But I'm happy with my purchases.

Well, before I received the upsetting news, I'd already bought Tad Williams' Tailchaser's Song, a fantasy book featuring cat characters (what's not to love?), a book I'd been eyeing for quite some time. So when I saw Terry Pratchett's The Amazing Maurice and His Educated Rodents I thought, "Ooohh, great, another book with cats in it!" (Fry rather enjoys listening to me reading the books out loud to her, although I think that may be the effect of the huge dinners she's been eating.) I did see a nice copy of Ursula K. Le Guin's The Wizard of Earthsea but my response was "Putang Ina, ba't ang mahal?!"

Anyway, I also saw the paperback copy of Neil Gaiman's The Sandman: Endless Nights. Naturally I expected it would be expensive. After going around the bookstore for almost an hour, picking up some books I moderately liked, I was inevitably drawn back to the comics section and decided to buy both Pratchett and Gaiman.

So now I'm broke.

Well, not really. Today I bought two new books from UP Press, so now I'm really broke.

I still have enough money to buy a tarot deck, but when I do buy it then I will be really entirely broke, will have to be absent from all my subjects because I won't have fare money, and Fry will starve after she eats the last can of cat food in the cupboard (which will be tomorrow, methinks).

I keep remembering Kerima Polotan's Hand of the Enemy, when Emma Gorrez finally uses the money her husband got (bonus money for complacency and active participation in corruption) to buy all sorts of useless things, like a whore who made a killing or hit the jackpot the night before, or something like that. It was just the bitterness, the scorn she heaped upon herself in the act of consuming and purchasing goods--

Well, I always remember that when I buy things when I'm angry, or upset. Wallowing in consumerism and capitalism seems like the ultimate debasement for a Marxist.

Fortunately I'm not a Marxist, hehe.

* * *

I do seem to have quite a lot of projects this semester, so I'll be busy, and I won't have enough time or inclination to wallow in being pissed. As Apwil said, it's not worth the effort. The present situation can work to my advantage, or I can make it work. Konting kapal lang ng mukha, I guess.

* * *

I wanna watch that weird movie May; after watching Audition and Ichi the Killer, the latter giving me heebie-geebies and Memey (wet) dreams (peace, Memey!), I feel like I can watch all manners of bloody dismemberment. Also wanna watch --what's that Nicholas Cage movie? That,whatever it is, I wanna watch, but just because Sean Bean is there, as a villain again, I guess. Oh, but what a yummy villain ^_^

2nd Sem na *sigh*

And to think I haven't even played the PS2 to my heart's content yet...stupid console is unable to 'read' the games I wanna play.

Some things that have happened in the past weeks:

1.) Got my class cards, found out I had kick-ass grades, and suddenly I'm all Christian again. Or Catholic. Whatever. All my hard work has apparently paid off. I'm just happy--I mean, this definitely gives me bragging/gloating rights, right? He he. I went to the church of St. Anthony de Padua in Manila to give thanks to the higher powers. (St. Anthony de Padua was my high school senior class' patron saint.)

2.) Met up with Trish and Em for much needed coffee and cake, except Trish had tea. Mabango pala yung Twinnings Vanilla Tea sa Choclit Kiss. Conversation turned to orgasms, which was my fault, since I prompted the question "If feminists say that Freud's claim to the dichotomy of vaginal and clitoral orgasms is false, how do they account for the G-spot? Isn't a G-spot orgasm the same as a vaginal one?" *sigh* Just like old times, huh? But seriously, I'm still puzzling over the above question.

3.) Met up with my pongalangala friends just yesterday. Very few are churning out anything creative at all, while the rest (including me) are as dry as raisins. Told them I probably will end up writing porn, and they sort of just snorted--maybe they didn't get how serious I was when I said that. Found out that my article on the plasma TV probably got published and I should insist on getting paid (hell, yeah). Also found out that teaching at a known IT college pays good money, and I should try applying there, since the university has no money and won't be hiring soon because our requests for subsidy from the government are being blocked by a Bitchqueen at the Senate *shudder*

4.) This is not exactly an 'event' but, oh hell. Wanted to dye my hair, or maybe get blue/violet highlights in time for my class tomorrow. Had this urge to annoy my professor, the same one I had during my undergrad days who said people who color their hair had paralyzed psyches. The next week Trish and I had our hair dyed, to the prof's chagrin. I wanna do that again! Asked my mom to buy me some chipipay hair dye, but she bought orange hair dye. Orange! I don't want to end up looking like I had orangee rinds in my hair, thank you very much. Besides, it's so not...me.

Oh, yeah, another good thing that I'm hoping will happen is I can finally get an academic paper published *crossing fingers* I feel like a true-blue CL grad student now ^_^

Um, I'm not so sure that that is something I should be particularly proud of...