Finding Heaven in the Depths of Hell
Angela Manalang-Gloria was mentioned this morning, and her poem with that line. And I think, how apt. So. I'm starting the second week of the workshop amid rumors of SARS. I haven't had time to write before because I had a bout of LBM and fever. The fellows were insisting that a scene in my story meant something and asked me what it was, i just told them the author is dying--of SARS, so they can put all the meaning they want in that scene. I'm feeling better now, though I lack some decent sleep--had to dash to Manila and back for my graduation, that scared my dad because he thought there were communists about.
I know I had a lot of things to write, especially about how my story was workshopped, but words somehow escape me at the moment. Not that it was that bad--they said all that I expected them to say about it.There was a comment about the language, though--they said it read as if the author were thinking in Filipino and writing in English. Well, isn't that exactly the style i was striving for? To capture the nuances of the Filipino mind but write in English. I really don't know if my story failed in that sense, but isn't that what Chicana writers are doing, anyway? Capture their culture in a language that they have made their own, without apologizing to the dominant Anglo academic standards of grammar?
Whatever. I guess I couldn't explain all that properly. All I'll say is I'll kill the next shmoe who makes a smart-assed remark about bumping knees or wet circles, or an effing kind of desperation >_< OK, I guess I should be a sport about it. Wala lang
*sigh*
We're having a fellow's night tomorrow. I don't know what to do. Maybe sing Over the Moon or Light My Candle. Or just plain bitch--isn't that some kind of talent? Or maybe turn people gay, as Ana Castillo says (writes).
*wrinkles nose*
I just remembered I was asked how hard was it to be a CL major and a writer as well. What I said (haltingly and inadequately) was that knowing theory helped me in a sense to write because I could check myself if I write politically incorrect stuff. To which one panelist asked, "So you mean when you write you have this theory in mind already?" I answered quite stupidly, "Well, I've been trained as a critic so I should anticipate how my work will be critiqued." What gets at me is that I couldn't explain that I find myslef lucky being a CL major, if only for the fact that I know the kind of politics I want to come out in my work. I should have told them, "Writing is a very political act, whether you admit it or not. The mere fact that you claim you have no politics in your work is some kind of politics in itself." What I write and its implications says much about me as a third world, colored, out of job woman writer (naks, how am I oppressed? Let me count the ways...) None of them seem to be thinking about this, but when you think about it, its an essential question to writing as a craft and as a social act.
Yun lang. Just wanted to say that, before I forget it. And just in case I get the opportunity to rant it around here.
Er, also, when I called one of the poems orientalist in its exoticizing Filipino native myths, one of the panelists said that was a dangerous allegation. I wanted to say it might be dangerous, but not wholly unfounded. But they never went into the argument, I (and some of the others who shared the opinion) were conveniently ignored.
Whatever. Did I actually think it would be otherwise? Ha!
Enough of this ranting. I hope everybody else has a good week. My next story will be workshopped on Wednesday.
Namarie.

Anti-social Bitch
yup. I guess I'm just living up to this label very well.
It's the second day of the writing workshop, and i'm in some internet cafe, alone, trying to make sense of the shit I've gotten myself into. But yesterday was pretty fun, I got to see Apwil-chan, we had beers and gin tonics and calamares and squid balls and dunkin donuts coffee. I slept at her grandma's house. With Apwil, of course. I mean--you know, we were in the same room together.
Shit, I'm not making that any clearer. Twas pretty funny actually, one of the moderators asked me, when i informed him i was going to meet someone, if i was eloping.I guess after they workshop my story tomorrow the whole lesbian thing will blow up. Its crazy--i don't think they're very open about lesbianism and homosexuality. My fellow fellows, I mean. There was a poem we workshopped today that had some hints of that, and the reaction was less than promising.
Anyway, like i said before, I've gotten myself into some deep shit. The full impact hit me when Legally Blind (itago po natin sya sa ngalang ito) spoke today about what she looks for in a story. She said something like, what we do here is very different from the way Comparative Literature criticizes works. (Of course this was aimed at me, since I'm the only CL major around). She (and the rest of the panelists) were saying something about Filipino-ness. Riiiight.(Dell's comments came to mind, about my story being so Chicana he didn't clearly see the setting, and i'm sure Legally Blind saw this as well). Also she said something about imitating or trying out the style of a particular writer we admire--that it's not bad but we should be aware that our work isnt so original. (Goddammit, of course I know I'm not the only fucking writer who's ever used the conversational, kikay-cluttered narrative voice in a story.) So all these I strongly suspect were aimed at me--i also noticed her observing me all throughout the morning session--or maybe she noticed I was falling asleep already (had a late night with Apwil, remember? Er, that didnt go right again). All you Super Bitch Goddesses out there, give me strength tomorrow. Will turn into a nasty super bitchy critic--will be criticizing their comments on my story. Fotah.
I guess the other fellows aren't so bad. I'm not so anti-social, I do talk to a few guys(again proving that I initially get along well with guys than with girls--must be because I have three brothers). But I do have some nice aquaintances from the girls, but I'm afraid that's all they will be--aquaintances. But unlike with my work in Ayala, I'm not so worried about being the odd girl out. I'm enjoying my solitude--i can explore the city on my own, thanks to the 'tour' Apwil-chan gave me last night. So that's what I'll just do, enjoy myself.
Hey, does any one know where exactly that Highly Recommended Book Sale Outlet is? I have lots of money (the stipend until next week, actually, hahaha.)
Damn, I'm nervous about tomorrow. Shit. Who told them to choose my work anyway, if its so fucking crappy?! Hmph.
I miss The Windangers Anonymous. And Fry.
*sigh* I'm signing out.