Oh, Squalid Sunshine!

Okay. I only have this weekend left before I return to the academe so...here's to the start of another chapter in this strangled tangle of an existence that is my life *the clink of champagne glasses* *scattered clapping* *a heckler shouting, "get on with it!"*
I've been posting sporadically these past few months. I guess I've been in a rut for quite some time. Know how, when you're depressed and everything just seems so bleak and not worth anything, you dig this little pit of despair, one shovel at a time, until it grows slowly but steadily deeper so that finally you realize you can't get out anymore--trapped in your own little hell hole? Yup, that's how it's been like, though i can't really explain WHY I've been depressed, exactly. I don't know--I guess it's the current situation of the country politically and economically--even the most apathetic (me) could feel how rotten everything has become; this, coupled with the sad state of the literary scene and how a writer's supposed to maintain being a writer if s/he even ever becomes one; plus nobody reads anyway, so what's the point of ever trying--really?
Now that I write it down it all sounds very whiny, and they depress me still. But I've climbed out of my pit of despair, not entirely of my own volition (ah, self-indulging in depression has a perverse kind of satisfaction to it), but because some people actually threw a rope down to me (unwittingly on their part) so I could climb out.
It happened last week, when the pongalangala people (some of us) met at Wondrous Hostess Janet's place for a reunion of sorts (some details are posted at Creative Spacer Tin's blog; she unfortunately didn't make it to the meeting and missed out on the fun). It was nice to get out of the house, and be with fellow aspiring writers for once--at least writers who are not so despairing of the literary scene because they actually aspire to be (and are) writers. Except for Unloving//Unloved U who is cynical as ever, but that dose of cynicism is actually fun. And anyway, it was nice to have some sensible people to talk to, not my snooty and smart alec-y brothers whose conversations with me are, half the time, limited to video games, cartoons, basketball and video games, while the other half, I usually spend threatening and cajoling them to help around the house. I haven't seen the high school gang, nor the GRAIL gang in a while, so I guess I was really sorely lacking in social interactions (in SIMS terms, my social bar was really, utterly empty).
So I'm out of my pit of despair, though I haven't covered it up yet, and I might jump in sometime again in the future (maybe when elections come around and loads of inept politicians get elected--again). But in the meantime I'm up and about in the squalid sunshine.
Actually, since after the pongalangala meeting I've been sick--sore throat, cold, cough, fever, headache--the whole menu of symptoms, and it was pretty horrible. It's in our family, weak lungs and susceptibility to dry, wrtacking coughs--but I'm almost over it, still coldy and coughy but recuperating. At least the whole week I got to rest, and tore myself away from video games and the PC, and even got decent sleep. I've done some reading too, though mostly I've been rereading some of my favorite novels and old readings. Which leads me to the point of this rather lengthy blog entry--updating on my AMBITIOUS SCHEMES FOR THE NEAR FUTURE:

1. Write--haven't done much of this, being depressed and all. I have about five short stories that are only halfway through, and I'm currently revising that story of mine that was workshopped in Baguio. How that'll go, I don't know, but we'll see. At least it has some lasting impression on someone--Sem--who claims that because of the story, everytime someone touches or bumps his knees he becomes aroused. But then he's a repressed seminarian, and therefore even the mention of 'breast' with regards to an order of chicken at KFC can arouse him (oohh, downright mean! heh, peace, Sem!)
2. The Sims project--Well, I've cloned a couple of tvs showing great scenes from the LOTR movies, and I have a semi-decent head of Eomer, but that's about all I've done so far. Well, I do have those Rebecca Guay art works from Magic:The Gathering that I've made into paintings for the Sims to hang up on their walls (using the Sims Art Studio). Of course I can't distribute these because I don't have Ms. Guay's permission, so all I have is a Sim gallery/museum in my game dedicated to her works. (Ooohh, she has an official site now; most of her MTG works and the ones in her new book are featured there. Kickass!)Anyway, I now have an Adobe Photoshop program, and a new mouse (hurrah!)so I'll probably make some objects and skins whenever I have some spare time.
3. World Construction project--still fermenting in my head, and needs more research. Now that I'm going back to the university, I can use the library again for much needed R&R (Reading and Research).
4. Read--just rereading, mostly, as I've mentioned earlier. Who would've thought Isaac Balbus' article, Disciplining Women, about Foucault and feminist psychoanalysts, is actually interesting? I didn't, when I first attempted to read it a couple of years ago in our class with Ruth Pison.
5. Go back to school and teach--duh, what have I been yapping about all throughout this entry? As for teaching, see previous entry.

Okay, so all these seem really half-baked accomplishments to projectys I've formulated for 'constrructive bumming' as Bengki calls it. But I never really specified how 'near' in 'near future' was, did I? ^_^;
Oh well.

Let me read with open eyes the book my days are writing.--Sheila Ortiz Taylor

I’ve just arrived from UP, having just taken the admission exams for graduate studies. It was horrible.

At first I sighed with relief when I saw the first question—they just wanted a critical analysis of a short story. I mean, okay, I could handle that. Besides, I knew the short story—I know I read it in some class or somewhere (come to think of it, why did the test seem familiar? It’s like I’ve taken it before…hmmm…) Then there was question #2: a comparative analysis of two poems. Surprise, surprise. As if that wasn’t enough, question #3 was: What kind of critical approach did you use for the analyses and why?

Jumping Grandma on a stick. Needless to say I was thoroughly windang.

I read and reread and tried to plan what strategy to employ in my analysis of the story, but my brain was just so cluttered all I could do was hum over my blank paper, go back to the story, back to the paper, and hum some more. This went on for about 30 minutes or so. Then I just thought, “What the hell” and started writing the first sentence, which was supposedly your ‘thesis’ statement. It went something like, “In ________ by _________, the depiction of ________ as __________ is…” I couldn’t finish it. Really. I just stared at the first sentence blemishing my exam paper and realizing I just couldn’t finish that sentence. The depiction of this was—what? What? Okay, so I left a blank space there, and went on from there. Thank god I didn’t fumble so much after that. I don’t know why but I was writing furiously. I realized it when my wrist started to hurt and I had to stop writing to shake my hands and flex my fingers a bit (with my forays into Sims skinning and object cloning with a crappy mouse and my fondness for the PS2 control pad, I am working my way to carpal tunnel syndrome. Nice.) I finally concluded my essay after an hour and a half with something about perpetuating false consciousness and colluding with oppression of the lower classes.

Okay, that was one down. And then—the POEMS. I do not know how to read poems properly. Honestly, I’m always at a loss when it comes to poetry—I always end up like a freshman. Before I actually tackled the question, when I was thinking and humming over my paper at the beginning, I thought I’d say something about exile being inextricably bound to some nationalistic struggle (the poems were about exile) and I thought I’d discuss something about nationhood and identity and stuff like what I’ve been reading last night (yeah, I skimmed through old readings from classes) but that seemed—well—so far from the poems tehmselves. So I ended up doing a point by point analysis—this poem has this imagery, the other has this. The first’s mood and tone is like this, the other like this. Veerrry lame. Fotah *snarl*

Then the last question. Honestly, I think it’s a very Miss Universe type of question. I don’t know whether to take it seriously or nanggagago lang or maybe it was just a trick question. Of course I couldn’t say I subscribed to one definite theoretical approach. To think that my analyses weren’t strictly ‘critical’—nope, that sort of thing takes time and research and not 3 hours in the Arcellana Lib. So all I said was I used a combination of Marxism, feminism and postcolonialism because they were the most relevant and applicable to our society and consequently our literature. But as to whether I used any of that in my analyses, well—I don’t know. Maybe Marxism because of that false consciousness thing…but the rest…*shrugs*

Damn, damn, damn.

I actually felt empty afterwards. But when I came home I realized I was just hungry. I had hotdogs with mustard! Yeah, what a reward. Of course I’m disappointed in myself. All I brought was my brain and apparently I don’t have enough to fill the cap of my effing pen. *sigh*

I just realized it has been a year since I finished thesis (for me it marks the end of my BA life). And yes, like so many things in this world, I’m still not going anywhere.
Plus I’m disappointed that I can’t apply for the instructor slut because the application deadline was at the end of September. Damn, dell, why didn’t you text me that there was a deadline? Okay, I can’t blame dell—I should’ve gone to UP myself to check things out; but I’m broke and lethargic and just damned depressed. Thought of asking them if I could still apply, maybe they’d extend it or something, maybe I could make use of whatever connections I have or whatever (connections? I don’t have any, come to think of it.)but then, where the heck will I get recommendations? THREE of them? It’s sembreak and profs literally vanish into thin air. And I’d be damned if I’d even think of getting one from my former employers—what do they know about my potential as an instructor? I mean, I’m nor deriding their intelligence, it’s just that they don’t know me. Corporate relations, what can I say. Besides, I don’t want to owe favors to just anybody. I take utang na loob seriously.

Anyway, I’m home and watching The Two Towers again and Legolas and Aragorn are othering Gimli whenever they speak Elvish. Hah. Damn, I gotta get my hands on that extended TTT DVD; there’s this long flashback with Boromir in it. *sigh*

Oh well, maybe I’ll just wait for that Troy movie they’re doing, I heard Sean Bean is playing Odysseus (hurrah! At least he isn’t Achilles—I’m not too keen on that character—he’ll be played by Brad Pitt, and Orlando Bloom will play Paris.). I hope the movie is great—but I guess it’s too much to ask that they give it a feminist rereading a la Christa Wolf. But hell, I’ll watch it just because Sean Bean is there *giggles inanely* I wonder who they’ve cast as Cassandra?

Anyway, speaking of casting characters, here’s a list of the actors cast in Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban:

Emma Thompson as Prof. Trelawney (yay!)
Gary Oldman as Sirius Black (Gary Oldman as Sirius Black?)
Michael Gambon as Dumbledore
Timothy Spall as Peter Pettigrew
David Thewlis as Remus Lupin
Paul Whitehouse as Sir Caddogan (the mad knight in one of the Hogwarts paintings)

Hope I got the names right—I just jotted them down on a scrap of paper and now I can’t understand my own writing. I don’t know some of these actors, so I did some research on the web, and admittedly when I saw pictures of them,they did look familiar, like I’ve seen them in some movie or other. But I guess I don’t wait for the credits after a movie to check out the actors’ names and all. Plus I’m grossly ignorant of British cinema. Da’s the movie buff, not moi. There are some who say that Ralph Fienes will play Lupin (?) but I got my info from www.comingsoon.net so go there for more on the Potter movie.

Whew, quite a long entry. Mayhap I’ll catch up on lost sleep.